I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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