i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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