I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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