you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
