I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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