Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
