So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
