Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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