Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
