i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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