you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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