Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
