is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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