even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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