yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
