are you still at the devil's house?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
