just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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