wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
