I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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