You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
