Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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