Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
