I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
