happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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