Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
