Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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