1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
