my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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