"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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