oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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