My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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