in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
