Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
