I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
