I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
