Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
