I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
