I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
