sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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