Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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