her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
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I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
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I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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