Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
