I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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