No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
