Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
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Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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