my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
