she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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