And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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