textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
