I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
