If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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