my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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