Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm always down for nudity.
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