i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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