i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
