Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
soo... how was my night?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
